Tipping the Scales

When I think of the model/social media star Amber Rose, the first thing that comes to my mind is not “exemplary housekeeper”. So I was not surprised to see the photos of a "less than tidy" home posted all over the internet this morning by her ex husband and father of her child, rapper, Whiz Khalifa, I thought to myself immediately  “what does he hope to accomplish here?” Sure there were overfilled trash cans outside of her home and dog poop on the patio, but was this proof of an unfit home for the purpose of modifying a parental custody agreement?

I ask my family law clients some version of these questions whenever there is some nasty bit of information that may be marked for exhibit: “What do you hope to accomplish with this information?” and “will this information work toward that goal?”

It may be strange to think of setting goals when considering the dissolution of a marriage, but I think that a clear set of goals keep both attorney and client focused on the desired outcomes. These clearly defined goals can help shape the trajectory of the divorce itself.

To overgeneralize, most clients who are navigating the treacherous waters of dissolving a marriage-with-children start out with a goal to dissolve the marriage and make sure the children are not traumatized in the process. Most will repeatedly clarify throughout the initial client meeting and initial filings that they are only interested in the best interest of the children. But somewhere along the way, perhaps after weeks of back and forth with attorneys, adjusting schedules, unpleasant emails or texts, a few initial hearings, the goal takes on shades of Black and Yellow and the focus becomes exacting petty revenge.

Revenge becomes a priority and clients began engaging in tit-for-tat digs at each other. Case in point, the blurry photos of an ex’s poop-spotted porch and public Twitter spats. Does any of this serve the interest of the child in the short or long term? I posit a firm no.

When balancing the “child’s interest” and “exacting revenge” the child’s interest should always tip the scale in its direction. The love of a couple’s child(ren) has to outweigh the hatred for each other.  

Parents should dig in and fight hard for the safety and wellbeing of their child(ren). As an attorney, I stand in the ring with my clients with boxing gloves on. But before the gloves come off, it is important to access what “winning” looks like. Is it a well-rounded child, in a safe environment, and access to both parents in the absence of abuse, or is winning mutually assured destruction.

Whiz Khalifa’s concerns may be genuine and his goal clear, but I’m not convinced this is the best way to reach his goal, which he argues is his son’s safety and well-being.  A frank and honest discussion with his attorney about his goals may help Mr. Khalifa tip the scales back towards protecting his son’s best interest rather than publicly shaming the child's mother. That of course is assuming his son’s best interest is the goal he is working towards. If the goal he has in mind is humiliating the mother of his child, then he needs to just keep on doing exactly what it is he is doing, because The Plan is working.

Keo'vonne W.

"Turn Your Dream Into Your Legacy"

That One Time Kanye West Got It Right or How to Say I love you with a Prenup.

"Holla we want prenup, we want prenup, it's something you need to have, cause when she leave yo a**, she gone leave with half” ~Kanye West "Gold Digger"

   Kanye West is not always credited with being on the right side of any issue, but this complex artist may have been right when he directed his fans to investigate the merits of a prenuptial agreement. Prenuptial agreements tend to get a bad rap (no pun intended) but they are a great multipurpose tool for people considering marriage.

To put it in perspective, prenuptial agreements, often referred to as Prenups or Premarital contracts, have been around since the Ancient Greeks and we see its legacy in the form of the Ketubah, which has its origins in Ancient Jewish Law. They fell out of fashion only recently as opponents of premarital contracts made claim that the agreements undermined the sanctity of marriage and forced couples to enter into a marriage with an eye on divorce.

While there is some debate as to the decline or rise of the divorce rate in America, one thing we know for sure is that sometimes people do get divorced. And more often then not the result, despite what we see on Maury Pauvich, is due to the reality that couples simply fall out of love, and generally not because we don't know who the baby's daddy's really is. A premarital agreement does not increase the possibility of divorce but rather serves as an insurance policy of sorts. You never want to have to use your insurance, but you're glad it's there just in case the marriage crashes and can't be salvaged.

Kanye Voice “Yo Keo’vonne, I’m really happy for you, Imma let you finish, but don’t prenups hose the party who is at an economic disadvantage?”

A prenup is an agreement like any other and can be negotiated and redrafted until both parties feel they are satisfied with the agreement. Remember, a premarital agreement must be entered into voluntarily and without coercion. It must be a written agreement, signed in front of witnesses. It cannot be unconscionable and both parties should consult an attorney who has their interest in mind.

A prenup can actual help provide for a spouse when the marriage ends. We typically think of prenups as a tool to shield assets, but they can be used in the reverse. A prenup can enable a spouse to have property rights in inherited property that would ordinarily escape a community property designation.

Prenuptial agreements are also a great way to preempt a drawn out and unsettling divorce. The financial details of a separation or divorce can be worked out while the couple is very much in love. The idea is that if the couple is making the hard decisions before they are being dictated by bitter emotions, they will make smarter and less destructive choices about how to end their their marriage. 

Prenuptial agreements are like any other contract because they can be amended or ended. Terms can include a sunset clause that voids the prenuptial agreement after a number of years of marriage. Terms can also be drafted to incrementally blend assets or increase/decrease financial obligations according to preset triggers like the birth of a child, infidelity and even a relapse of drug use[1].

So sure a bouquet of roses is sweet, but if you want to show your partner that you care holla “WE WANT PRENUP, WE WANT PRENUP!” Don’t really do that…an open and honest conversation should do the trick.

Keo'vonne W.

"Turn Your Dream Into Your Legacy"

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[1] Keith Urban, a former cocaine addict, forfeits his rights to any of wife Nicole Kidman’s fortune if he uses illegal drugs.

Unveiling Domestic Abuse

“Has he ever trapped you in a room and not let you out?
Has he ever raised a fist as if he were going to hit you?
Has he ever thrown an object that hit you or nearly did?
Has he ever held you down or grabbed you to restrain you?
Has he ever shoved, poked, or grabbed you?
Has he ever threatened to hurt you?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then we can stop wondering whether he’ll ever be violent; he already has been.” 
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Domestic violence is a topic we often view through a narrow lens. Clients and even attorneys make the sometimes-fatal mistake of assessing abuse as actual hitting. Some declaring, “It was only a shove” or "Threats don't count". But I’m here to tell you and the law reaffirms my statement, "Abuse comes in many forms". Since the concept can be veiled in ambiguity it is important to understand what constitutes abusive behavior.

According to the United States Department of Justices Office on Violence Against Women, the definition of domestic violence is “A pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain control over another intimate partner.” The definition is a broad one and includes physical abuse along with sexual abuse, emotional/psychological abuse[1], economic abuse[2], stalking, and for a modern twist, cyber stalking.

The most common excuse I hear, as the reason victims do not report abuse is “I don’t want to get him/or her in trouble”. Consider this: he/she has long abandoned a concern for your safety and wellbeing. YOU have to look out for your safety and wellbeing.

Use your best judgment and sometimes the judgment of a dear friend is a good stand-in. Its true, sometimes love can make us blind [3]. And sometimes we need the advice of a good friend who has nothing to gain from generating excuses for (insert abuser’s name here). If you're too afraid or embarrassed to share questionable incidents with a good friend, it’s likely that you are experiencing abuse. The first step in combatting the domestic violence is acknowledging that it is happening.

“We have this judgmental way of looking at the idea of leaving a home or a family, and our society has reinforced this idea that if we "run away," we are "running away from our problems." In some cases, though, to face certain problems (in this case, two family members who are not mentally stable and who are not going to face up to their issues) the family members who are capable of facing reality must realize that leaving is a viable option. Some environments are harmful. As fellow humans it is our job to judge less and encourage more when others choose to remove themselves from harmful environments.” 
― A.S. King

Keo'vonne W.

"Turn Your Dream Into Your Legacy"

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[1] Emotional/ Psychological abuse can include humiliation, threats to safety of victim, self, or loved ones, verbal abuses, forced isolation from friends and family.

[2] Economic abuse takes place when the abuser makes or tries to make the victim financially reliant. Economic abusers often seek to maintain total control over financial resources, withhold the victims access to funds, or prohibit the victim from going to school or work. - 

[3] Symptoms of love very for most but can include blindness, deafness and dumbness.