Unveiling Domestic Abuse

“Has he ever trapped you in a room and not let you out?
Has he ever raised a fist as if he were going to hit you?
Has he ever thrown an object that hit you or nearly did?
Has he ever held you down or grabbed you to restrain you?
Has he ever shoved, poked, or grabbed you?
Has he ever threatened to hurt you?
If the answer to any of these questions is yes, then we can stop wondering whether he’ll ever be violent; he already has been.” 
― Lundy Bancroft, Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

Domestic violence is a topic we often view through a narrow lens. Clients and even attorneys make the sometimes-fatal mistake of assessing abuse as actual hitting. Some declaring, “It was only a shove” or "Threats don't count". But I’m here to tell you and the law reaffirms my statement, "Abuse comes in many forms". Since the concept can be veiled in ambiguity it is important to understand what constitutes abusive behavior.

According to the United States Department of Justices Office on Violence Against Women, the definition of domestic violence is “A pattern of abusive behavior in any relationship that is used by one partner to gain or maintain control over another intimate partner.” The definition is a broad one and includes physical abuse along with sexual abuse, emotional/psychological abuse[1], economic abuse[2], stalking, and for a modern twist, cyber stalking.

The most common excuse I hear, as the reason victims do not report abuse is “I don’t want to get him/or her in trouble”. Consider this: he/she has long abandoned a concern for your safety and wellbeing. YOU have to look out for your safety and wellbeing.

Use your best judgment and sometimes the judgment of a dear friend is a good stand-in. Its true, sometimes love can make us blind [3]. And sometimes we need the advice of a good friend who has nothing to gain from generating excuses for (insert abuser’s name here). If you're too afraid or embarrassed to share questionable incidents with a good friend, it’s likely that you are experiencing abuse. The first step in combatting the domestic violence is acknowledging that it is happening.

“We have this judgmental way of looking at the idea of leaving a home or a family, and our society has reinforced this idea that if we "run away," we are "running away from our problems." In some cases, though, to face certain problems (in this case, two family members who are not mentally stable and who are not going to face up to their issues) the family members who are capable of facing reality must realize that leaving is a viable option. Some environments are harmful. As fellow humans it is our job to judge less and encourage more when others choose to remove themselves from harmful environments.” 
― A.S. King

Keo'vonne W.

"Turn Your Dream Into Your Legacy"

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[1] Emotional/ Psychological abuse can include humiliation, threats to safety of victim, self, or loved ones, verbal abuses, forced isolation from friends and family.

[2] Economic abuse takes place when the abuser makes or tries to make the victim financially reliant. Economic abusers often seek to maintain total control over financial resources, withhold the victims access to funds, or prohibit the victim from going to school or work. - 

[3] Symptoms of love very for most but can include blindness, deafness and dumbness.