“Divorce
is a fire exit. When a house is burning, it doesn’t matter who set the fire. If
there is no fire exit, everyone in the house will be burned!”
Mehmet Murat ildan
It’s so easy to get caught up in the chaos of a burning house
( ie your marriage) but keep these five thoughts handy as you head towards the fire
exit.
1) DIVORCE IS A PROCESS. That seems like a simple concept
but all too often we see (former) couples struggling through their new reality.
Be patient with yourself and the process. If you are not like Brittney Spears
its likely that you have been married for more than 55 hours, you guys have
assets to divide and living arrangements to figure out. If you have children
this division becomes more complex. Even divorces in which both parties agree
on everything (see: unicorn of family law) can take up to six months to
complete. Take this time to adjust and get to know your unmarried self.
2) DIVORCE ISN’T THE SILVER BULLET. The thing is, the
problems you had in your marriage don’t magically disappear because you have
filed for divorce. Truth is the process of divorce can sometimes amplify the
issues couples struggled with during marriage.
Be prepared to work through those problems as your divorce
progresses. For example If you had communication problems in your marriage be
prepared to address how best to communicate about the children and discuss the
division of property in writing so you both have a point of reference as things
get hectic. Even after you divorce you may have to tackle issues form the past.
Be ready to choose which battles are worth fighting.
3) YOUR CHILDREN ARE NOT WEAPONS. Do not use your children
against one another. Going through divorce is hard enough on children, with out
the added pressure of having to choose sides. Don’t make them choose a side.
Reassure them that they don’t have to take sides. Remind them that whatever
disagreements you all are having does not involve them. The problem with using
children to as the go between is that it makes children feel responsible for what
is happening. The success or failure of the family becomes their burden to bare
and it is simply not fair to place that burden on a child.
If you notice your child taking a side, even if it is yours,
encourage them to remain neutral. Outside of accusations of child abuse, there
is no reason why the break down of your marriage should spell the destruction
of the parent-child relationship between your (former) spouse and child.
4)
CHILD SUPPORT AND PARENTING TIME ARE NOT THE
SAME THING. This is a big one. No parent may deny or grant parenting time based on the
payment or lack thereof, of child support. If there is a court order in place
that demands parenting time, honor it, no matter what. Timely let the court
know of delinquency and work with your attorney to get child support for your
child. Denying parenting time will only hurt your child and your case, especially if parenting time is a contested issue.
Do, talk to your attorney as soon as you begin the notice a
pattern of non-payment. Seek the help of an attorney to modify a current child
support order if your circumstance have changed and or you are unable to make
payment due to job loss or injury. Talk to your attorney if you are being
denied parenting time.
5) DIVORCE DOES NOT HAVE TO BE UGLY. Remember you choose how
you want your divorce to look. Be clear in your intentions with your attorney
and make sure they are on the same page. Attorneys deal in conflict all the time, so we've got you covered in a dog fight. However, its equally important to make sure you
have an attorney who is also willing to work collaboratively with your spouse
and/ or his attorney. If you are still on speaking terms with your spouse (barring a history of abuse) communicate to him/her clearly that you don’t want to drag out the process and
you hope to resolve it as peacefully as possible. Realize you only have
control over your behavior, but you can influence your spouses choices.
Even if the process starts off highly contentious, you can
work with your attorney to change the trajectory of the most contentious divorces.
Remember agreements can be made pretty much anytime during the process and the
family judicial system is set up to encourage and support agreements.
